So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
