I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
