Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
