Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
