TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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