Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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