last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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