I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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