i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
