I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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