would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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