Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
