ugly people sure do ruin things
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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