Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My apartment stinks of burning failure
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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