I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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