She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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