this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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