Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize