Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
