Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
