she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
