Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
