Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
