Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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