I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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