Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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