I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
