If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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