my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
