I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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