Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
