is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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