just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
