feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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