I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
