So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
