In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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