I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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