just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
