just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
