Already got asked if we're dating
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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