Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
