Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize