I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
