So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
