Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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