Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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