I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
