When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
