It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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