Your mouth is God's brothel.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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