I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
did i just pee glitter
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