Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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