you guys were way drunker than both of me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
