The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
