What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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