Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
