i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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