Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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