So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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